The Locals take a minute from their busy touring schedule and talk to their fans, relatives, and ex-lovers.

Dear Arthur;
I feel a little confused. The last time I checked, the Locals were moving to Seattle. Now I hear they have moved to Hot Springs, Arkansas. Is this because of Bill Clinton, or is it due to the high cost of living in hip, urban, western cities?

A: The Locals, as you so cavalierly put it, have moved to Arkansas to have access to a deeper part of american culture, the Super Wal-Mart. Hot Springs was the obvious choice with two of these mega-plexes to serve 35,000 well intentioned shoppers. This also may be related to the economic down turn of the USA, as we continue to export our monies and our industries. Luckily, tuba/accordion duets are in virtually no peril at all of being exported. Other countries simply don't want them. Yet. But you just wait...

Dear Arthur,
At last, I've been looking for a polyester wearing tuba and accordion duet for what seems like a millennia but is more than likely only a century or two. Anyhow, is there any chance they you could ship 'The Locals' over to Europe, Romania (old Transylvania to be specific)?
Kindest Regards
Keith Szlamp

A: Several years ago I read an article in the Sunday newspaper about the exotic eastern European women. I thought to myself, "Now Arthur, sounds like those ladies are more your speed." With an inherant appreciation of the opera, and those legs that won't quit, I felt I should visit a chip off the old eastern bloc. It was just about then that things got hectic in the music theory world, and next thing I know, I'm representing the Locals. Now my dreams of the motherland are all but a memory, and I could only send my two musical superheros over. Can you recieve human cargo C.O.D.?

Dear Arthur;
Why are the Itinerant Locals moving back to Seattle, I mean, what's wrong with Tallahassee or Tuckasegee?
A: Location, Location, Location. After extensive interviews with the tuba player, I realized that the lack of dour sedate people mixed with smog and rain had made his disposition unrealistically cheerful.
Dear Arthur;
This year my Mom gave me another 5 disc set of Big Band music. I told her I hate that music, why won't she listen?
A: Mix half a cup peanut butter with a quarter cup soy sauce, two tablespoons lime juice, two tablespoons finely chopped onion, and two teaspoons minced Thai pepper. Serve as dressing for salad, noodles, or satay.
Dear Arthur;
My friend saw your show in Madison, WI, and she said you guys do drugs. Is this true?
A: Zac and Cheryl have never had the social standing to be offered drugs. It's usually the "cool kids", the "in crowd", or the "politicans" who have access to illegal substances. As much as the Itinerant Locals would like to be on drugs, no one returns their phone calls.
Dear Arthur;
Our children and son of friends are pregnant and having a baby in December in Seattle. How can we properly grandparent and befriend this blessed child from 3,000 miles away? Love, June, Newt and Marina
A: Yes. When my first student returned from abroad with a baby of her own, at first I felt cheated. Wasn't this something you normally share with your music theory teacher? But the circle of life continues, with or without your dear Arthur.

Dear Arthur;
Are we there yet?

A: When I was a child, my Uncle Tido used to say, "When your face looks like pizza, just add pepperoni!!!!" And then he would laugh so hard we would have to change his diaper. I think now there was some wisdom in those words, I love you Uncle Tido.
Dear Arthur;
I used to get in a really bad mood everytime my neighbor would visit. Now I am just plagued with indifference. What should I do to care again?
A: Might we recommend track number fourteen, "Cherry Blossoms in the Moonlight." After a long day of playing at the office, the Itinerant Locals find that nothing removes pesky odors and stains like a fresh copy of Spred the Fred and a cold case of beer. Oh! And don't forget the cheap hooker!
Dear Arthur;
Where did you get that hat! That is soooo cool! I love that hat! You know, you look just like this friend of my cousin's. You even talk like him! Oh my god! Tina, Tina, look at him, isn't he Doodah EXACTLY? He even talks like him. Say something. Oh my god you are so funny!!
A: Baby, please come back. I been missing you so bad, I just can't get along without you. You're really putting me in a bad way like this, I don't have anything to wear, why don't you just come on home. I'll never talk to her again, I won't even look at her. Hell, I'll quit, just so I won't have to see her little smile every day when I get to work. I'll quit, and stay home for some quality time with you more, and the kids. And when you're at work I'll finally fix the roof over the kitchen, and the drywall. And my brother has a real good dog in the fight over at Bushy's, I could pick up a couple sawbucks that way. Just come home please. I need you to. Be a good girl.
Dear Arthur;
What a shame that the Itinerant Locals had to mess up their playing schedule and dynamic duo with an imposter third! What instrument could possible work with the already perfect tuba/accordian sound? So, what on earth will young Eureka play?
Cousins Z and E
A: To date, young Eureka has been nothing short of a total disappointment in the musical arena. Often during a theory lesson, she will just sit there, cooing and looking at her hands. Your dear Arthur doesn't know if this is a blatant statement of anarchy, or idyllic airheadedness, but either way, there are to be some reprocussions. This young child couldn't make an autoharp play a "C" chord. If she doesn't show some musical prowess, and I mean soon, she is going to accounting school and I don't mean the University of Phoenix.

Dear Arthur;
What is diatonic, and do those wacky musiciains us it in their performance? Or is it just a weight loss drug? -- J. Dolt

A: Look, if your going to start requesting expensive musical accessories, be prepared to pay. Give us a week in a fully stocked studio, buy us a new accordion, a new sousaphone, provide the beer, and if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the hell up. Diatonics aren't free, especially when Jimmy is bartending. Some heretics still claim it as a weight loss drug, although I contend you'd be better with a healthy dose of bulemia.

Dear Arthur;
Sometimes I feel like enough isn't quite enough. I try and I try and my boss Judy never seems to notice. How can I get her attention, how do the Locals do it?

A: The Itinerant Locals have generously offered to send urine samples to anyone requesting proof of authenticity. Please send a self-addressed stamped urine vial to the address below. Or will trade for Kenny Rogers 8-track tapes WITH cardboard sleeve intact.

Got a question of your own? Feel free to ask
Arthur de Guichard!

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